One year, no alcohol - a reflection.
A year ago today I woke slightly bleary-eyed, it was Monday morning and we’d had some friends round for lunch on the Sunday. We’d had a lovely meal, enjoyable conversation and a few glasses of wine, nothing mental and this was certainly not a bad hangover by any measure. But it was a hangover and I was done with it, I was going to have a clean week - no big deal. I didn’t really drink much in the week any way, if ever and we had nothing planned socially for that weekend. Easy.
This is not a preachy post about how wonderful and brilliant everything is without booze, that’s not the reality, this is just a reflection upon the past year and some thoughts, perhaps some answers to some questions.
I’ve stopped for chunks of time in the past, normally leading up to a race of some description, that’s been the motivation and reason: this time it was different, but I wasn’t quite sure what it meant or what I felt, but I felt there was a different motivation.
There had been a build up of a head of steam building to this point, a work trip away and a few more beers than were needed. Signs that the routine of “just one” or finding myself opening a beer when I don’t think I would have in the past, no seismic shift, just a bit more than a bit less. Seeing these trends isn’t always easy.
I like a drink, I like how it appears to help with some of my social dysfunction and certainly makes me think I can be “more fun” - ffs, what a cliche. I’m certainly guilting of many of the behaviours I now have a very different opinion of - I was certainly one to encourage “just one more” and perhaps, somewhat ashamedly now, push people along.
I’ve had some of the highest highs where alcohol has been a component, was it the cause or just a participant, probably a complex mixture. But, and this is a significant but - I’ve experienced my deepest lows, really deep, after the consumption of too much booze. As time as gone on, that balance of the highs and lows had started to shift. I think the lows were simply overshadowing too much. With the benefit of hindsight - alcohol was a significant factor. I despise balance, I’ve always hated it, the very idea makes me cringe. This idea what we can sit in some pile of mediocrity in the middle, some sort of simple equilibrium - it’s not how I live, it’s just not how I see and think. Perhaps there is more to this notion that needs investigation, after all.
I didn’t want to balance a high with a low, sod that - I just didn’t want any more lows. Now maybe that’s unrealistic, but I am convinced of one thing, and perhaps it’s some chemical change in me over time, but the lows that were fuelled by alcohol were simply too low. I wasn’t bored of the highs, I think I was sick of the lows.
Let’s be clear, in the same way as adding alcohol doesn’t really help, removing it doesn’t either - well, not on its own. See my short review on the excellent book by Allie Bailey and read the book.
It’s very easy to have a few drinks to “take the edge of things”, a phrase commonly heard, maybe used as justification. I heard an alternative, from Chris Evans on the radio, it “takes the shine off things” - now, that’s a shift in perception. Let’s be very honest here, sorry to say it out loud - alcohol is a poison and a depressant - now you may be able to deal with it, many people do, a significant proportion of the world claim to and I’m in no position to judge whatsoever but the fact remain - no amount of alcohol is good for you. (sorry).
So what’s it been like, how did I do a whole year? Well, I never set out to do a year, I just said “not today” and I said that a lot, skipping a drink for a day is no big deal. Christmas came and went and I navigated that with no issue, the occasional party and social function - it really wasn’t that tricky, there were times I was nervous. I surprised myself. I had a big race coming up in May, that was a useful excuse - it provided a simple answer to people who asked, actually people don’t ask that much. It gave me a response that I could trot out, one in which perhaps I didn’t have to admit to myself that this not drinking was a “thing”.
I’m pretty determined when I need to be, but honestly I think I would have floundered on this one if I had set out to do a year - I think there is simply so much messaging, so many pressures surrounding us all that make that idea of “what a whole year” insurmountable. I just stuck to the “not today” mantra and kept stacking up the days, here we are 365 of them later.
You will feel disconnected, there are times when I feel like I’m just on the outside of some of the tribes I have held very closely - I don’t actually think that’s the case when I reflect, but in the moment, that’s how you can feel - perhaps the irony here is that you did actually “feel” because you aren’t masking anything. I wonder.
I don’t want to scribe some big argument for not drinking, I could create a compelling case but I don’t think that’s the point, after all I used to create a compelling case for another glass. I am increasingly amazed at how culturally embedded the consumption of alcohol is. As my kids grow older I find it a challenge, would I change my path for what I feel and see now - honestly I don’t know, I don’t know if that’s a lack of bravery on my part or a reality that this balance thing is not something I seek - so maybe I had to swing to this 0.0% life from the other extreme. I don’t know. I do know that I’m just going to take it a day at a time.
What’s it like? I think that my most significant observation is that I don’t lose time, that doesn’t mean I don’t waste time in other ways, it’s not turned me into some kind of super human. But I don’t lose time to sluggish starts, wasted days feeling hungover or even the times when I am out with people - I’m fully present. I know that sounds a bit tosser-like but I remember more and I hear more.
Stresses in life build, that’s no bad thing and before I guess a coping mechanism would be to have a couple of beers, perhaps a wine or two and hide away from those pressures - at the time it feels like you are helping yourself, the pressure seems to reduce. But I have noticed, that now, having broken that cycle that the solutions start to come. Facing up to the stresses without a fake strategy to improve them forces you to address them - I think in time that will reap dividends. I won’t pretend that it’s some magic bullet solution, but it is a step in a better direction. We shall see how that plays out, like most things in life it takes time.
I am proud of where I have got to, but I’m not sure where I go with it. Today seemed a fitting day to jot this all down, it’s a bit rambling and as you can read, hardly conclusive or hugely constructive.
I’m not some evangelical knob-head who is here to tell you that the world is some technicolour wonder when you stop drinking - sure, there are moments, but there are as many moments where you have to grapple with situations and feelings that were certainly easier masked.
So I guess where I have landed is this, will I drink ever again? honestly I really don’t know. Will I drink today - no, not today.